Part 3: The Final Chapter of the Monsoon to Landslide Trilogy

So, we left our lowly travellers on the front doorstep of the yoga retreat mecca...tired...abused...bitten...down trodden, yet hopeful and full of promise. We were escorted to our rooms and offered some lovely milk tea (which is a spicy mixture of cardamom and other Indian spices... like chai, and of course milk and sugar) and stepped into our huge light blue coloured room with very high ceilings and a huge bathroom. The bed is firm, yet very comfortable and the stone walls ensure the room stays surprisingly cool, as there is no A/C...oh and no television or music or anything really except for yoga and rip offs. So, we drank our tea (which costs 50 Rupees...not included with the massive bill we will be paying) and went to the fourth floor outdoor rooftop dining area...gorgeous...and had the most delicious breakfast. Please refer to part 2 for details. Then, we were escorted to the office to discuss the bill and the schedule/routine of the yoga retreat. Hmmm....schedule and routine...well, let's just see how this goes. It actually was not as bad as we thought and this routine involves 6:30am yoga for about 2 hours then various meals throughout the day and then meditation at 7:00pm for about 1 hour. Initially, we were told all meals were included, and this pleased us, as they lunch and dinner each day costs so much money and we cannot afford it; however, the following day, we were told that our package does not include lunch and dinner and we must pay ourselves...we were not happy to say the least. This place is also set in the back woods in a tiny bit of a place called Kovalam so we were not sure what was near and how we were going to supply ourselves with sustenance throughout the upcoming week. I don't think we would have minded so much being told this information, but this was after we were "roped into"...literally...a Foot Massage, which was a budgetary treat not anticipating that we would have to pay for meals. Despite the fact that this was the managers mistake, we are still required to pay for those meals and this did not sit well! So, moving on from the rip off rant which does seem to pop up from blog to blog here in India...the MASSAGE. Let us begin by saying that it was the best massage either of us has ever experienced in our lives...so please do not let what we are about to tell you infect your minds with negative feelings or conjure up images of abuse of any sort. Ok, disclaimer over. First you are escorted to some huts located behind the main retreat building. You walk along a stone path and two tiny little Indian women bless you and circle a plate of fire around your head and drizzle cold water on your feet...then take some of the ash from the fire onto your forehead. It is spiritual and not religious and neither of us felt Cultish in anyway Then, you are escorted into your own personal hut of doom, as Alex calls it...I would say hut of unspeakable incidents...you are told to get naked. Now, Western massages mean they leave the room while you take your time, listen to peaceful massage music, get naked (perhaps wearing some sort of panty) while ALONE in your parlor. In India in a hut of doom, they stand there and watch you get totally naked...no clothing allowed and they are shocked if you try to wear a shred of cloth and rip it off you at once. Ok, so a little unsure...a little embarrassed of my big bits...you then have to sit...yes sit...on a plastic stool (which is not a very forgiving position for those with a tummy...oh, and a very pale lily white tummy at that) and she stands in front of you pouring hot soy sauce oil all over your body...I thought they might have Alex and I oil wrestle in some weird Indian tradition, while Alex thought they were going to roast her on the open fire outside like Sunday Roast...although we now know that the fire outside is used to heat up the water for the naked bath she would later give you...yes, your vagina and anus are included in that bath. However, we will discuss that later. Then, she kind of hits your head a few times, but it is oddly relaxing despite trying to suck in your stomach throughout. One does eventually give up the internal battle of the bulge and let the flab fly free...you have to...it is just the Foot Massage way. Oh, and it is not a massage of your feet it is a massage done using feet...the little Indian lady feet. So, you are all oiled up sitting on a stool and then you are escorted to a mat on the floor in which you lay on your stomach in the Jesus on the Cross position and await the the next step....a little dazed from incense inhalation a bit relaxed even...and a tiny bit scared you squint so not to alert her that your eyes are open and use your incredible peripheral vision (Wendy, we know that you would be very good at that part, as you do have exceptional peripheral vision)and you notice a rope with a noose at the end hanging from one of the wooden beams above you. Please bare in mind that Alex and I have no idea that this is a massage done with feet...she gets her hand in some twisted concoction in the rope and then rubs your entire back body...that means shoulders, back, ass cheeks, legs and feet. When massaging my shoulders, her foot actually touched my face on several occasions and I just had to find a happy place as we all know what I have been stepping in these past few weeks...You do actually feel so relaxed you forget that you have to turn over and do the front side in the exact same way. By front side we mean, shoulders, both breasts...nipples included no extra charge, armpits, arms, hands, stomach, reproductive organs, your front bottom/vagina and legs on the front side. Then, you may think it is over...you may think you have come to the end, but then you are put on the table for a final rub out of the body with more hot oil, but this one was with the hands...but man they do love to massage your private intimate bits...but not in a sexual rape like way, but more of a professional and spiritual way...well, that is what Al and I are telling ourselves anyway. Then, she finishes and leaves the room...you are now alone in a hut, oiled up with brown oil from head to toe and you just don't know what to do...Usually one would take this time to get dressed and drink some water and leave, but not in India. You just sit there and she returns with a huge bucket of water and puts it in the tiled room that you did not notice was in the hut when you entered...oh no...a shower/bath. "Well," you think to yourself, "I do need to get this oil off me so that is nice of her to bring me some water to bathe myself. Wait a minute, she is actually taking me by the hand leading me to the shower...hold on a second...why is there a plastic stool in the shower...why is she getting some exfoliating scrub ready in her own hand...ohhhhh...SHE is going to bathe ME!!!" Ok, so you have to just let go, which has become the motto here in in India so we just let go and got bathed by a tiny Indian women in a hut in the middle of Trivandrum on Sunday afternoon...and we mean BATHED...internally, as well as externally. My thoughts were with Al at this time, as I know she has a phobia of standing next to short people and her masseuse was a tiny little midget woman. I could hear Alex talking to her masseuse...my massage was done in complete silence, as I did have a lot of self talk going on inside myself throughout the 2 hour massage...yes 2 whole complete hours! Afterwards, we got dressed and I walked out with my masseuse to meet Alex and have a nice warm cup of coriander water. Alex and I drank that water in total silence knowing that a major discussion would be had at a later date about this experience. And we did...I won't bore you the details of those conversations...yes there were more than 1...suffice to say that the one thing Alex did get from her conversation with her masseuse was a quotable quote of the day...Alex: Do you give men massages like this? Masseuse: Eeewww, gross, no...men dirty! So, that was the massage. The rest of this experience has been very interesting. The swimming pool is our saving grace and we each do 50 laps a day so Sue and John will be happy about that! We have explored the surrounding area, which is packed with beaches that are too dangerous to swim in and many fisherman and fishing boats. We have discovered some very tasty banana chips that we snack on notoriously and the fruit is so juicy and amazing. We have taken part in two yoga sessions and two meditation sessions and they get better...and so do we...each day. We have found one little gem here around the corner (well around the corner 45 minutes away from our yoga retreat). It is a gallery/cafe where we go each morning to have a chai tea and read English newspapers. The little man who owns it is possibly the smilieiest man in the world and is just so lovely. He likes the Rolling Stones and plays us cds each day. For now we are at peace and we are spending the next week planning the rest of July before we meet Wendy in Delhi.