The Triple Threat of Doom...and I ain't talking singing/dancing/acting!

Alex and I have now been travelling around Australia and New Zealand in a van for a total of 2 months, 1 week, 1 day, 20 hours and 56 minutes...57 minutes. We aren't sick of it...can't you tell! Honestly, it has been so much fun for so many reasons. We get to go where we want, when we want on our own schedule with no one telling us otherwise...pure unadulterated freedom and that cannot be matched. This has afforded us the opportunity to visit and discover some seriously amazing places and other less known more quirky venues as well. We have had shelter from the storms (and there have been many) and been able to flee them as needed. We can keep all of our crap in one place and not have to unpack, repack, unpack, repack those giant back breaking, scoliosis forming backpacks each and every day. We have this sort of unspoken comradery with other Jucy vans on the road and we often trade DVDs with them, or at the very least honk, flash our lights and wave frantically (that's me of course) whenever we pass one on the highway. Our Jucy has also provided us with some hidden discounts at various caravan parks and for activities too, like the beautiful yet over rated Milford Sound cruise that we took just earlier today. We get to stock up on all the foods we want to eat, as we have a refrigerator, sink and cooker in the back with storage space and all the appliances and kitchen utensils to boot. We have a DVD player (as mentioned above), a CD player, all the blankets and linens we need and a colourful map of the whole of New Zealand. So, I bet you are wondering what could possibly be wrong with this set up...what could Mel possibly find to complain about with all these wonderful 'Jucy' amenities and perks...well, there are three main things I have to complain about and they are all valid and reasonable and I refuse to take any flack about any of them. Let me first explain the Triple Threat of Doom, as Alex and I have aptly entitled the process of closing down the Jucy for the night...the final three chores, if you will, that have to be completed before we can just drift off into compacted, twisted, broken REM cycle sleep. Number 1 and 2 are interchangeable regarding their order, but number 3 is the final phase in the Triple Threat of Doom.
1) The Dishes
Now, this may not sound like much to you folks at home in your glorious open-plan kitchens with running warm water and clean sponges, but this is seriously the bane of our lives in the Jucy for so many reasons. If we are lucky enough to find a petrol station (some small towns just don't have one) then we are 97% positive that we will also find a tap...these are usually located near where you use the air station to fill up your tires, but can also be found next to the actual petrol pump or outside of the automatic car wash exit (that one is always a bit dangerous). Hopefully it isn't raining or storming when it is time to do the dishes, as many of these water faucets are not underneath a cover, rendering you vulnerable to any and all natural disasters. You basically, have to take your pile of dirty dishes, your watered down fairy dish cleaning liquid (as we are too poor to purchase any more) and your disgusting germ infested sponge to the tap and start scrubbing. Yes, it is embarrassing, yes people laugh and stare, yes you will get scoffed at, yes your back does hurt after the first 5 minutes and yes, your hands get frozen and chaffed. But, when those dishes are pseudo clean and there are only a few visible remnants of food debris left and you are squishing them into any nook and cranny they will fit into in the van, there is a moment of bliss...a small, minute moment where you feel like a champion.
It is important to note, that should no water tape be found, Alex and I must travel all around the town looking for a public toilet of some sort so we can use the sink in the bathroom. At times, we have been forced to use the tiny, baby sink we have in the back of the Jucy, but you can imagine how messy that gets and do not forget that our bed is attached the back of the sink...bad times...bad memories.
1 down and 2 to go.
2) The Needs
There are times in my life, when I really enjoy doing my needs before I go to bed...after a long hard day at the office and want to wash the make-up off, when I have eaten loads of popcorn and need a good floss or after eating too many sweets and need a nice brush of the old teeth. Of course, all of these activities were completed in the warmth of a house with a all of my favourite products and a nice clean smelling towel to wipe myself dry...Alex even got really into doing her needs each evening and just loved the whole flossing thing! This has changed since travelling in a van and we no longer look to these as happy moments in the shutting down of our evening. I am a fan of doing the needs in the McDonald's...it is almost always open, it is usually mildly cleanish, there is a 90% chance that there is a disabled toilet with a sink in it that we can have all to ourselves and you can also get free WiFi and that is nice. The difficult part comes when we have to precariously balance all of our products in our arms while washing our face, flossing and brushing our teeth, as there is very little counter space...if any...and the floor is, well just totally unacceptable. We have it down to an art form really...we floss in the car before entering MacDonald's or some other random toilet somewhere, I also remove my contacts and put my glasses on in the Jucy as well. Once we are in the bathroom, I wash my face first, while Alex loads the toothbrushes with paste. We brush together, then Al washes her face while I dry off all the products and items and put them back into the giant 'toiletries bag' before we both end with a nice long pee...because peeing in the middle of the night on the street outside of a van when it is freezing and rainy is just no fun at all! Oh, and it does not matter how many times we wash that wash cloth/flannel, when we use it to dry our face it smells like dirty mildew dish rag every time!
It is important to note that we have had to fill up a bowl with rain water and use that to wash our faces and brush our teeth in the past and may have to do it again before the trip is done. We are also not ashamed of that, nor are we ashamed of the fact that we have to urinate on the ground or in the bushes in the middle of the night. 2 down and 1 to go!
3) The Spot
This is by far the worst part of the Triple Threat of Doom for both of us...we sometimes bicker and argue at this point as well...honestly, we always bicker and argue about this point. Finding the perfect parking spot is the utter pits! It is not only stress inducing, but frustrating and at times tear jerking. We always check to see if there are any free camping grounds...and there are usually not, so we then have to drive around the town/city to try and find a nice darkish post, with not too many cars, but not too few, that is lit up a tiny bit, but not too light and not too dark either. We try to go for the more residential areas, and in a big town/city, this is not too much of a problem, but in the smaller ones, we stick out like a sore green and purple thumb! There are several things to consider when trying to find the perfect spot, as you can see from above, but some other things to consider include, where the sliding door is in relation to your parking spot i.e. is the door against a wall or someone's front window? You always want it to be facing a wall or fence of some sort, as you will most likely have to pee on the ground in the middle of the night and this is just a reality you have to face so don't judge us. Additional considerations include the slant of the street both vertical and horizontal...I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it feels to park on a hill and sleep with all the blood rushing to your head or worse, when the Jucy is leaning to one side and you are constantly sliding down to one corner...there is also business of the street...is it patrolled by the police or other traffic wardens...are there any signs that indicate you cannot camp there...are there any barking dogs, not so much that they will keep you up all night, but they will alert a human who may then tell us to move. Also, is there a park nearby where youths like to hang out...recipe for disaster! I can tell you that Alex and I have driven up more roads in the cities and town of Australia and New Zealand than we would like to admit and in all this time, there have only been two incidents where we were asked to move. We have a skit prepared for when a policeman/woman or traffic warden come to tell us to move or give us a ticket etc...and goes like this:
Alex - "Hi officer."
Officer - "You cannot be here and I can and will tow your vehicle and there is also a hefty fine."
Alex - "Officer, I am so sorry. It's just that we drove in so late and we could not find anywhere to stay and we were tired and just wanted to stay off the roads and be safe so we just decided to stop here." ***Please bare in mind that it does not matter if we have actually just driven in or if we have been in the town for days.***
Officer - "Well, you know you can't camp here so you will have to move."
Alex - "We totally understand officer...we are so sorry. Is there anywhere you know of that we could go?"
Officer - "Well (gives us some directions somewhere else). Sorry about this, but I have to do my job."
Alex - "We totally understand. My brother is a policeman so I understand the stresses of your job and that you are just trying to keep us all safe."
Officer - "Alright, well you 2 be safe."
Alex - "Thank you again officer and we will."
Melissa - 10 minutes later - "Is he gone yet? I knew we shouldn't have parked here Alex! I told you!"

Seriously, this has not only been rehearsed, but we have actually used this script on the two separate occasions thus far that we have been busted and it has worked like a charm. I just stay totally silent like a deaf mute, while Alex handles the cop! What a team!

So, now you can see what it is like to live in a van from day to day. Yes, there are many perks and these have been outlined for your viewing pleasure, but once the sun begins to set in the sky, our daily activities have come to and end and our dinner has been prepared and gobbled down...the Triple Threat of Doom looms ever closer...