The Incident

It was a dark and stormy night...literally it was a dark and stormy night in Yogyakarta...our last night in fact in this boring old city and we found a mecca...a huge cinema called Empire 21 and it shows a series of both old and new releases. We decided on a movie called Solomon Kane. Not the best of movies, but nice and bloody and entertaining with horrific editing and cheesy lines with an undercurrent of inappropriate aged love interests...so perfect! We also treated ourselves to Asia's finest in the way of movies snacks...the caramel popcorn, mmmmmm! We needed to choose between the luxury of s cinema snack or transport to and from the movies so of course, we opted for snacks, as any normal American and Brit would do! So, we readied ourselves with our rain gear (umbrellas and rain slickers, or waterproofs as you funny English people call them) and off we trekked for about 1 1/2 hours to the Empire 21 over bridges, past hundreds of Muslims breaking their fast, around a monument and through rain puddles until we saw the bright shiny building. Walking up to the glass doors was a bit nerve racking, as all the lights were off and there were few people around so we thought it was closed and I did have a moment, but alas, they are merely trying to conserve on electricity to save the environment...or possibly just lower the bills (that's what we think anyway). Eventually, the lights came on and we were allowed to purchase our tickets and our delicious caramel popcorn and found our way to the very plush orange velvet assigned seats and readied ourselves for some movie trailers. Before any good movie, it is most important to go to the toilet and ensure that you have an empty bladder so you can make it as far the way through the movie as possible, at least that is what my mom taught me...so off I went to what I pictured to be a gorgeous toilet, as this theatre was divine. And, I was right! What a magnificent bathroom! It was a western style toilet called an Eco-Wash toilet and to me, it was better than any toilet I have seen in months. So, I finished up and go ready to flush when I noticed a tiny silver knob on the right side of the toilet called the Eco-Wash Button...now, what do you all think this button is used for? Well, I thought it was to wash the toilet in a special eco-friendly type manner so I turned the knob and a tiny white tube appeared from the top back of the toilet right under the rim of the seat and started spraying a thick stream of fresh water from the hose right towards me all over my face, clothing and onto the tiled floor...which of course caused me to slip and fall in my frantic attempt to turn it off. I tried with all my might to compose myself after this harrowing experience, especially after realizing that the eco-clean is to wash your private parts of any urine or fecal matter instead of using toilet paper and NOT for cleaning the toilet after use. I eventually turned the hose off, slipped out of the stall and found safety on the carpeted ramp leading out of this house of horrors and back to my seat. Alex looked very concerned and asked me what happened...especially after realizing that I was soaking wet on my front and back and my face was red and sweaty..."I don't want to talk about it," I replied and we juts carried on with watching the film. this incident made me reflect upon all of the toiletting incidents we have had over the past few months and also all of the toilets that we have used in general and I have made a list below of all the toilets we have encountered and rated given them the old trusty Mel and Al star rating system...along with some extra commentary about our favourite and why this is so. There have also been pictures uploaded throughout our journey so far, so feel free to re-visit some of the snaps to get a better idea of what each toilet has to offer.
Toilets from Around the World
1) Good Old Nature
This has sometimes proven to be the best for toiletting experiences, unless there are wild pigs afoot. It basically includes finding a secluded or somewhat secluded bit of land somewhere and just squatting down to do your business...there is also the added benefit of natural toilet paper in the form of leaves so this is probably the most environmentally friendly toilet and easiest to find in an emergency. there are some stresses involved, however, and these include (in no particular order) wild animals, people discovering you, using the 'wrong' kind of leaf toilet paper and bugs.
Mel and Al Star Rating of 5

2) The Hole
This is NOT our favourite, but sometimes, it's all you have! This is a pretty self explanatory one and is just that, a hole in a tiled room with a huge square shaped tiled enclosure that holds water and a bucket you use to wash your bits and then the floor area where you have urinated. There are some entertaining things about the hole and these include 1) the sign that says, DO NOT SHIT HERE-ONLY FOR PISSING or something along those lines, and 2) just being able to laugh to keep from crying with your travel partner after using such a toilet. Our least favourite part is just the mere fact that you are pissing on a floor where millions have pissed before you and who knows how well it has been washed (and from the smell, probably not that well) and that you then have to rinse the floor of your urine down a tiny hole in the corner. These toilets are usually dimly lit and there are always bugs flying around or crawling through the unidentifiable liquids on the ground. On the plus side, if there is one, you can lock the door and there is a bit of privacy.
Mel and Al Star Rating of 2

3) The Western Toilet
Oh yes...good old reliable western beauty! Well, not in Asia. It would seem that due to the lack of these types of toilets around Asia, that most of its inhabitants just don't know how to use the Western toilet, despite picture guides being posted in the stalls and because of this, you can be guaranteed that 99% of the time there will be urine and/or feces on the seat when you go to use it. Now some people may take the time to wipe the seat down and then sit on it, but we just choose to hover, which is worse than the squat pot (please see number 4) rendering the Western Toilet useless and pointless really. But, there are those rare times in one's travelling life in which a beacon of light shines down upon you and the Western Toilet is there, urine and feces free, clean and sparkling and ready for your buns to just take a load off and enjoy a tranquil moment and it is for those times that we do remain faithful and ever loving of this kind of toilet. Additionally, with a Western Toilet comes toilet paper 80% of the time and a private stall.
Mel and Al Star Rating of 7
***Wild Card*** It is important to note that there is a wild card version of the Western Toilet called The Western Toilet with No Seat and this one is sheer death and actually makes any toiletting experience dreadful and almost impossible to bare...This is a western style toilet with no seat so there is no hope of wiping the soiled seat clean and no hope of being able to squat down effectively to relieve yourself. With this one you are basically guaranteed a spray of urine down your legs onto your feet and I won't even talk about defecating, but I am sure you can get the picture. Luckily, there is a huge tiled square enclosure at the ready to wash your legs and feet, but this wild card style gets a Mel and Al Star Rating of 1

4) The Squat Pot
This is the most common toilet found around Asia and once you get over the smells and practice your squatting technique, it too will become your favourite! This style toilet is almost always enclosed in a tiled room and the squat pot is positioned right next to the water enclosure on a tight little platform as if you are preforming your pee and poo for an audience (Harry would love it!). After several attempts, you do learn quite quickly how to position your feet to avoid any splatter...for me this is one foot on the foot pad and the other off. You use a bucket to scoop water and wash everything down the hole and then another scoop to rise your feet (just because it is hot really) and then one final scoop for your hands. There is rarely if ever toilet paper so you just bring your own or wash yourself with yet another scoop of water and then off you go on your merry way.
Mel and Al Star Rating of 8
***Wild Card*** It is important to note that there are 2 wild card toilets in the Squat Pot section and these are The Flushing Squat Pot, which has everything as described above, but it actually flushes, which means NO bucket and there is almost always toilet paper available as well giving this one a Mel and Al Star Rating of 9. The second squat pot wild card is The Western/Squat Pot Combo. This is a mutation of sorts that must have been created on the Island of Doctor Moreau. It looks like some hybrid gone array in a scientist laboratory where evil is created. Imagine a western style toilet with foot pads as a seat. It is supposed to be a kind of choose your own adventure lieu experience where one can either sit on the foot pads and use it as a western style toilet or step up (a very high step indeed) and then squat atop it...almost like an elevated squat pot. This one is just unacceptable and the mutation must be destroyed.
Mel and Al Star Rating of 2

So that wraps up our discussion of the toiletting throughout Asia and I hope that it prepares any and all who read this for travelling in the future. It is kind of nice to have so much selection and it does make each and every journey to the lieu exciting and adventurous. Alex makes me go in first to use each and every toilet and give her a blow by blow so she can chose whether or not to hold it until the next one...and honestly, I don't mind so much. There has only been 1 time where I became upset by this arrangement and it was when I got trapped inside and had to scream for Alex to break the door down to free me. I don't care what kind of toilet it is! I certainly DO NOT EVER want to be trapped inside a small restroom...and it doesn't matter where we are! Tune in tomorrow for the blog called Halitosis Airlines in which we discuss our flight from Indonesia to Malaysia during Ramadan.